What if the one you love is not ‘the one‘?
It is natural to think that the person you are in love with is the one you are meant to be with. However, we usually fall in love with several wrong people before finding the right one. If the first person we fell in love with was always the right one, nobody would ever have to go through a breakup. Although it is true that some people find their soulmate right away, not everyone is this lucky. Most of us experience pain, disappointment, and heartbreak several times before finding the one we know is right for us.
There are 13 signs that you are in love with someone who is not ‘the one’.
1. You communicate but nothing changes
In order to have a healthy relationship, you and your partner need to be able to communicate your feelings and voice your concerns. If you find that you talk about what bothers you but your partner never does anything to change it, they might not be the one. Caitlin Killoren, a relationship coach, spoke to Bustle and explained that “waiting for your partner to change is a recipe for heartache.”
2. You are always paying for things
Indeed, some people enjoy spoiling their partners by buying them gifts, taking them out on date nights, or even paying for romantic trips. While this is normal, these people need to ensure that they are not the only ones putting in effort — and money. Jenna Ponaman, CPC, ELI-MP claimed, “If your partner doesn’t make the effort to share in the responsibilities, this may be a sign of codependency.”
3. You have adopted unhealthy habits
When you meet ‘the one’, they will encourage you to be the best version of yourself. If you find that you are more unhealthy and less productive now than you were when you were single, you need to be cautious. Pay attention to the habits you and your partner have so that you can understand the way in which your relationship has influenced you.
4. Your relationship is constantly on and off
You are not with the right person if you are incessantly breaking up and making up. When you are with the one who is meant for you, you will be sure of your relationship; in other words, you will not feel the need to call things off and get back together all the time. More importantly, having an on and off relationship is extremely unhealthy as it impacts your mental and emotional wellbeing in a negative way.
5. You do not spend time with friends and family
If your partner has isolated you from the people dearest to you, they are wrong for you. While it is true that we make sacrifices for our relationships, we must never be asked to sacrifice our friends and families. In doing so, we become isolated, vulnerable and reliant on our partners. What is more, your partner might be trying to control you or manipulate you by isolating you from others.
6. Your partner does not like “labels”
Are you in love with someone who does not want to label your relationship? If so, they might be afraid of commitment. Nobody deserves to be with someone who is not sure whether or not they want to be with them. We all need to be with someone who is ready to commit and is certain of their feelings.
7. You are with them because it’s comfortable
Of course, you should feel comfortable around your partner; however, being with them solely because you have become used to life with them is not a reason to be together. In order to be happy with your partner, you must have passion, desire, and love — not just comfort.
8. You have a crush on them
When a crush is strong and intense, it is difficult to differentiate it from being in love. According to Jenna Matlin, a crush is “often an obsessive, overly emotional, and idealized focus on another person.” In contrast with this, being in love means seeing someone for who they truly are; this means, seeing the good and the bad in someone and loving them for all of it.
9. Your partner never says sorry
Everybody makes mistakes and says or does things that they regret. However, what matters most is whether or not they apologize and take responsibility for their actions. If your partner constantly hurts you and never apologizes, they are emotionally immature.
10. You are afraid of being yourself
People in healthy relationships are not afraid of being themselves; they know that their partner accepts them for who they are and they feel comfortable showing them their true colors. More importantly, they are not afraid of speaking about issues in the relationship. If you feel like you have to pretend to be someone you are not or that you have to walk on eggshells around your partner, the relationship is not the right one.
11. Your partner never compromises
To have a successful relationship, both partners need to learn how to make sacrifices and compromises. One must accept that it is impossible to always have things go their way. Relationship expert and spiritual counselor Davida Rappaport says that “If you have a partner that is a bit selfish and has to have their way all the time, you may be … with someone who has not grown up sufficiently enough to be in a relationship.”
12. Your partner does not feel comfortable
It is easy to look inward in order to understand whether you and your partner are wrong or right for one another. As mentioned earlier, feeling uncomfortable around your partner is a clear sign that you are not meant to be. However, the same thing is true the other way around. This means that if you notice your partner acting as though they are uncomfortable around you, the relationship will most likely fall apart. Dating coach Julie Spira notes that if your partner is preoccupied with your needs only, “they may not feel comfortable enough to be themselves in the relationship or they struggle with their own feelings of insecurity and desire to please others.”
13. You love the potential – not the person
Asking yourself whether you love your partner for who they are in this very moment is vital to understanding your true feelings. Do you love them even with their flaws and imperfections? Or, do you love the potential they have and the person they can become? Matlin clarifies that finding “yourself imaging who the person could be rather than who they actually are […] is a huge red flag.”
You would not have to question whether or not your partner is “the one”. You would just know that they are.