It is always kind of surprising and flattering when someone comes to me for relationship advice. Surprising on one hand because I am 34-year-old, never-married, consummate bachelor. Flattering because there are people that realize that I am single for a reason: I understand relationships way too well to want to be in a bad one just for the sake of not being single. The most recent conversation that I had about relationship struggles was centered around a fellow bachelor who was trying to figure out why his relationships started out hot and heavy and inevitably sputtered out like a campfire in a mudslide.
I asked him how long he waited to have sex when he started dating someone. He cocked an eyebrow and said, “sometimes not at all.” “There is your problem,” I said. “Sex is ruining your relationships before they even start.” To prove my point, I elaborated on the main reasons that jumping in the sack with someone can tank a relationship before it even begins:
Sex Creates a False Sense of Connection
A funny thing happens to the human mind when we have sex. Our brains get flooded with all sorts of fun-time chemicals like dopamine when we have an orgasm. One of these fun-time chemicals is a little hormone called oxytocin, or the “snuggle hormone” as some doctors call it. Oxytocin makes us feel close to someone and can create a false sense of connection.
Oxytocin and it’s results are not gender-specific, so you never know who is going to get the “connection bug”. Basically, sex can trick us into thinking that we really like someone, when in reality, we hardly know them. That whole brain chemical release can lead to the next problem…
Sex Comes with Unspoken Expectations
When you create false connections, you can create false expectations. It’s easy for people to think that just because you’ve been naked together that naturally you are going to progress to the next level. Unfortunately, expectations and intentions are two different things. Commonly, it is perceived that men just try to get women in bed with them with no intentions at a relationship, but honestly – it goes both ways. When you have two people with different intentions, be prepared for some form of fallout. When it comes to sex and relationships, there is a reason there is a process:
The Most Common Relationship Mistake People Make, and Why it Ruins Them
Relationships have a Pattern for a Reason
Now, I won’t sit here and say that just because you get physical with someone quickly that there is no chance for a fruitful relationship. I will, however say that the chances are slim. Relationships progress the way that they do for a reason: as you open up to someone and get to know them, the connection that you share gets deeper. It’s like walking into a pool to see how deep it is as opposed to just diving in head-first and hoping that it’s not shallow. Sex gets better as a relationship progresses, not the other way around. Sure, there is such a thing as magnetic chemistry between two people.
That being said, just becasue you want to sleep with someone doesn’t mean that you need to do it right this second. You’ll find that building a bond with someone before sex only makes the sex that much better when the timing is right.