In times of split-second swiping decisions and awkward Tinder dates – you would think that when you find a true relationship, the hard part would be over.
But relationships are hard and take a lot of effort from both sides in order to work properly. One of the biggest misconceptions is that 50/50 is the way to go.
However, this couldn’t be farther from the truth, and here you’ll find out why.
A YourTango article focuses on a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology of “millennials” – the people born between the 80s and mid-90s. The writers describe millennials as “generation me” due to their high levels of self-focus and introspection. The millennial generation is seen to give more attention to the self and is much less focused on the group, community, and society.
“Young people have been consistently taught to put their own needs first and to focus on feeling good about themselves.” says Jean M. Twenge, professor at San Diego State University
High self-esteem is generally a good thing, as it allows us to believe in ourselves, pursue higher goals, and take more chances. However, it has also created a society of young narcissists who have an unrealistic view on life.
That same sense of entitlement can later bleed into their love life as they chase checklists of characteristics that can rarely be found in one person. Some of them, fortunately, learn their lessons the hard way. The jury is out on millennials and their ability to put their selfish needs aside and focus on the greater entity that is a successful marriage.
Marriages are not about doing everything 50/50. It is much more of a flow of continual giving and self-sacrifice.
“The problem with holding up fairness and equality as the main measuring sticks for a good marriage is that it turns what should be a partnership into a contest. Scorekeeping soon becomes the major pastime of the relationship.” says Scott Means, author of the YourTango article.
“Unfortunately, when you constantly fight for your part of the marital pie, pushing for your rights, agendas, fair share and expectations, you end up hurting your marriage. Even if you win, you actually lose. You lose intimacy in your relationship. You lose the joy of giving freely to another. You lose the delight found in simply delighting the one you love. You lose the atmosphere of respect and honor in your marriage.” he continues.
Acting with integrity and keeping in mind the needs of your spouse is key. If you have to fight over every little thing you disagree about, you will stumble on a lot of tension and friction along the way – irregardless of how much chemistry you have, education you have, or money you make.
A good marriage is about making hundreds of tiny decisions every day with a minimum amount of conflict.
If you are keeping tabs, you are not only wasting your time but also hurting your partnership.
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