5 New Species of Internet Troll Discovered

In Norse mythology there are many different kind of troll species that are supposedly roaming the planet. Now whether you believe in the Norse versions of trolls, there is a type of troll that is also diverse and widespread: The Internet Troll.

It seems as though internet trolls have existed since the beginning of the internet, and have been evolving into separate sub-species that are just now being identified and studied independently. We here at I Heart Intelligence are dedicated to compiling our collective data to inform you about these sub-species of internet trolls, if only to serve as a warning of their presence. The following 5 species of internet trolls should be avoided at all costs.

1. Little Man, Big Keyboard Troll

Latin Name: Smacktalkius Maximus
Characteristics: Smacktalkius Maximus is generally characterized by attempting to, or perpetrating internet fights. This species of internet troll is generally seen making claims of physical dominance or prowess in an environment where it doesn’t matter how big your muscles are if you have a big keyboard, or as it commonly known: the internet. This particular species of troll is usually a complete coward outside of the internet, so they take the opportunity to hide behind a computer screen to threaten people and generally make everyone’s lives miserable.

Commonly found on: Everywhere on the internet, specifically male-centric sites, and sites that have anything to do with sports. These trolls are often found in video game forums, where they think that virtual fighting is relevant.

2. Corrector Troll

Latin Name:: Googlius Expertius
Characteristics: The Googlius Expertius troll is characterized by correcting anything and everything that they can, especially when there is little or no need for it. They are particularly prevelant on websites that are attempting to share knowledge, and are never more than a Google search from being an expert on anything. Some Googlius Expertius trolls are convinced that they are anything from doctors and lawyers, to rocket scientists.

Commonly Found On: Much like Smacktalkius Maximus, these trolls are found all over the internet, but seem to be attracted to informational websites. These sites seem to be wonderful breeding grounds for the Googlius Expertius, as they actually provide information for this species of troll to refute via internet searches.

3. Yelper Troll

Latin Name: Complaintius Smartphonius
Characteristics: This is a special breed of troll that seemingly likes to go to new and interesting restaurants simply to complain about them on Yelp. They are characterized by their amazing abilities to be bad customers, and are seemingly oblivious to the world around them. This species of troll was actually discovered by a restaurant in New York who filmed their customers as a response to bad Yelp reviews, and found that people that complained of cold food spent 5 minutes taking pictures of their food. People who complained of bad service spent more time playing with their phones, and ignoring the waiters and waitresses. If you work in the service industry, you might notice that these types of trolls use Yelp as a currency, and say things like “I’m leaving a bad yelp review”, as if that somehow effects the world.

Commonly Found On: These trolls are specifically found on Yelp, and other restaurant review apps, but have been known to show up in food blogs, and other restaurant related pages.

4. Opinionater Troll

Latin Name: Beliefius Forcius
Characteristics: The Beliefius Forcius troll is one of the most common trolls next to the Googlius Expertius. These trolls are commonly seen forcing their opinions and beliefs on anyone and anything on the internet. These beliefs are generally politically or religiously motivated and typically don’t have much to do with the original topic of conversation. For instance, if there is an article about gay rights, there is almost certainly going to be a Beliefius Forcius troll pop up with bible quotes to argue against a legal or constitutional conversation.

Commonly Found On: Fox News.

5. One-Upper Troll

Latin Name:Ithinkius Iambetterthanyouvius
Characteristics: Another incredibly common internet troll is the Ithinkius Iambetterthanyouvius troll. These trolls are characterized by their constant need to one-up everyone around them. Anytime you share a highlight or achievement in life, it is Ithinkius Iambetterthanyouvius’ nature to somehow downplay your achievement or accomplishment with one of their own. Ithinkius Iambetterthanyouvius is completely incapable of being happy for others, and therefore must constantly compare themselves to others. This type of troll is often obsessed with things like the past, and whatever it is that they find to be important about themselves.

Commonly Found On:Ithinkius Iambetterthanyouvius runs rampant on Facebook, and other social media formats. Because it has become a common practice to share achievements with the internet, these trolls flourish anywhere where people are proud of themselves.

Although avoiding internet trolls is about as easy as avoiding sand in the Kalahari, we at least hope that by understanding the intrinsic nature of the common sub-species of internet trolls will at least provide a level of comfort with them.

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