“To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. People eventually get sick of waiting, take a chance on someone, and by the art of commitment become soulmates, which takes a lifetime to perfect,” wrote Criss Jami in Venus in Arms.
There is no such thing as a perfect partner. However, if you both put a tremendous amount of time and work into your relationship, you can build a perfect love.
Here are 20 questions that can help you to determine whether you and your partner are ready for this.
1. Do you feel like you can be your most authentic self around him – or do you feel pressured to act like the version of yourself he likes best?
2. Does she take accountability for her mistakes, or does she shift the blame back to you?
3. Does spending time together feel exhausting or invigorating?
4. Does he love you even when you are at your worst? Selfish? Insecure? Irritable?
5. Are you each able to maintain a separate and complete identity – one that has nothing to do with your relationship?
6. When you disagree, is she strong enough to stand by her opinion without caving? Is she open-minded enough to accept yours without trying to change it?
7. Does he put up walls when you try to communicate about something important?
8. Does she listen during an argument, or just wait for an opportunity to make her point?
9. Does he help you to become a better person?
10. Does she put you on a pedestal? What if you don’t live up to her unrealistic expectations?
11. Is spending time with him more fun than being alone or with friends?
12. Do you believe that she is always honest with you? Do you trust her word against anyone else’s?
13. Can you count on him? Has he always shown up for you when you needed him – physically, emotionally, and socially?
14. Does she build you up, or does she tear you down? Your partner should never make you feel bad about yourself.
15. Does he hold grudges?
16. How does she interact with your family? Does she make an effort to get along with them? Does she encourage you to have a healthy relationship with them?
17. Does he respect your opinions? Does he encourage you to share your viewpoints even when they do not align with his own? Or does he try to silence or change them?
18. Does she support your passions and cheer you on? Is this the case even when she does not share them?
19. Does he love and respect himself as much as he loves and respects you?
20. Are you the very best version of yourself when you are with her?
Did one or more of these questions lead to an uncomfortable answer?
Good – that would indicate that you are being honest. No relationship is perfect, because no two people are perfect. However, a worrisome answer might point you in the right direction for growth. Is your partner willing and able to evolve in these ways? This is where the true test begins. “Yesterday I was clever,” said Rumi, “so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”
