Do you ever think about why you’re more inclined to attract or be attracted to certain types of people?
Or why the people you’ve dated in the past weren’t as compatible with you as you thought? Love involves constant choice, commitment, and work—which all demand an intuitive understanding both of your partner and of yourself. One useful piece of information is learning about you and your partner’s attachment styles.
The intent of learning about attachment styles isn’t to box love up neatly into categories (that’s absurd), nor does it mean you’re stuck with one attachment style forever. In fact, it’s important to note that as time goes on, your attachment style can change from the way you evolve as a lover. If things have been fragile between you and your partner, realize that this is your chance to grow. You can start from self-examination and learn how to be a better person. Psych2Go shares with you the 4 attachment styles in love:
When you have a secure attachment style, you have a great advantage in love. You feel comfortable going to your partner when something is off and, in return, you allow your partner absolute freedom. People with a secure attachment style tend to have honest, open, and equal relationships in which both partners can thrive and grow together at a healthy pace. They understand how to merge together to form a stable ground they can stand and operate on.
I know this sounds too good to be true, but “security” is not to be confused with “perfection.” People with a secure attachment style experience conflict and bad days in their relationships just like any other couple, because that’s normal and to be expected. But what sets them apart is their higher emotional intelligence that helps them communicate their feelings effectively and their ability to problem-solve, rather than attacking their partners. Essentially, they’re highly resilient individuals who understand how to move past obstacles with great care and self-awareness.
People with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style tend to romanticize love because it’s easier for them to form a fantasy bond with someone instead of something based off of reality. They’re often attracted to partners they can save or, in some cases, those who can save them. People who have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style can be demanding, obsessive, and clingy. They’re prone to over-analyzing situations, mood swings, and often mistake turbulent relationships for passion. They can struggle from insecurities, low self-esteem, and establishing a strong sense of self, because they grew up without healthy boundaries and little to no guidance on nurturing their individuality.
I have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, and it often makes me feel weak. But deep down, I know I’m actually not—because despite all that I still have yet to become, ultimately, I have a lot of love to give. Accepting what your attachment style is and recognizing the work that comes with it can be life-changing and powerful.
People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style tend to be emotionally distant in relationships. They come across as self-sufficient, independent, and can avoid true intimacy. Although space is essential for two people to breathe and be themselves in any relationship, people with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style can seek it more frequently to push themselves away from being vulnerable with their partner. If at any point their partner threatens to leave them, they have the ability to shut their emotions down and pretend that they don’t care. But extreme independence is an illusion, because humans ultimately need connection in order to survive. As a result, people with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style have very few close relationships with others.
I find myself often being attracted to people with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. Somehow, the anxious always bond with the avoidant, and I think it’s because both individuals have something that the other partner doesn’t. When they come together, there’s room for both lovers to grow. Often, it’s an intense relationship—mainly because they challenge each other to confront their weaknesses to form a secure attachment together.
People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style experience a delicate mixture fearing being both too close or too distant from their lover. They can be unpredictable and are often overwhelmed by their own emotions because trying to keep them at a safe distance is impossible. They understand that they have to approach others in order to find love, but when people get too close to them, they often hurt them. They fear being abandoned, but struggle with being confident in their partner and relying on them.
They face a lot of inner conflict between wanting intimacy and resisting it. As a result, they usually experience many highs and lows in relationships, cling to their partner when they feel rejected, and if not careful, can end up in abusive relationships. Similar to the dismissive-avoidant attachment style, these individuals have very few close relationships with others.
Which attachment love style do you resonate with? How has it affected your relationships?