As Phil Collins was singing: “You can’t hurry love, you just have to wait..”
Despite the fact that nowadays we could turn to the so-called matchmakers who help single people find a right partner, and there are also millions of websites or platforms for dating, discovering “the one and only” is still difficult.
And the truth is that, in spite of the societal pressures, you might not be ready to find “the one,” fall in love, or even go on a date.
So, to check whether you are actually prepared for a relationship or it’s not the right moment, you might go through these five major red flags which show that you are not quite ready to commit yourself romantically:
1. You don’t want to be in a relationship.
This might sound a bit crazy, but sometimes we ignore our instincts. If you feel that you’re not ready or don’t want to be in a relationship, then it’s better not to be in one. Even if you meet someone who you like a lot, but can’t give them 100% of yourself or you don’t feel that it is the right time for passionate commitment, then you’d better not start a relationship.
What is more, according to a 2014 Pew Research report, a significant number of Americans have never been married which means that you’re not the only one who prefers being single. Last but not least, your reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship — no matter what they are — are real, so you should accept them and avoid the dating for the moment.
2. If your partner has an inappropriate behavior, your relationship might end up unhappily.
Believe what people communicate about themselves. If they are not acting seriously or are being disrespectful by telling you things that might hurt you, move on.
When we are strongly attracted to someone, we try to justify their poor behavior. If someone treats you rudely or often disappoints you, you should open your eyes and draw the logical conclusions from their behavior. If you try to talk with your partner and he or she refuses to speak to you or excuses her or his mistreatment of you, take this as a red flag; most probably you are not a good match. If a man says he is not looking for “anything serious” or he needs his “space,” he is delicately informing you he is not serious about your relationship. And you should let him go.
Finally, remember that it is not your job to make someone a better version of themselves; it is your job to work on your own happiness.
3. You have not overcome your past.
Overcoming a disappointment from a previous relationship takes time. You might have to go through a painful period which could hold you back. But remember that a breakup can also be a lesson.
Here is what Helen Fisher, chief scientific advisor of Match.com thinks about this:
“People will go through long periods after they’ve been dumped or after they dumped somebody asking, ‘Why did I do this? What did I lose? What did I gain?'”
“The brain does remember this, and it remembers this forever. You remember the ones that got away. It’s entirely possible that the brain is built that way so that you can remember why it didn’t work. So that you can do it better the next time.”
The truth is that, if you’re still in the process of recovering from a painful split-up, you might need more time to move forward. That’s why give yourself enough time to get over your past, Rome wasn’t built in a day after all. Furthermore, sooner or later the right time to pursue future relationships will come, so you don’t need to rush things.
4. Avoid sextimacy or in other words, learn to make a difference between sex and emotions.
Sextimacy is the effort to build emotional closeness through sex. As nowadays people more than ever feel free to act the way they want to, especially when it comes to love, it can be easy to mix sexual contacts with emotional intimacy.
Here is the experience of the New York-based sexologist Shelby Sells:
“This is not the sex they taught in 8th grade! I have often confused the two. Upon moving to New York City, I was fresh out of a break-up, and the possibilities of the dating scene seemed endless. In no time I became infatuated with a young Jewish man. We quickly bonded and were inseparable. The sex. Oh, the sex was fantastic. I couldn’t believe I had found someone who was so attentive to my needs so soon. We dated for two months, and it became apparent that although we cared for each other, neither of us were (or at least I wasn’t) emotionally available.”
Does this sound familiar? And here is how the story ends:
“During our time together we both sought emotional intimacy through our physical connection. He desired the emotional connectedness and understanding of a partner (he had been single for almost three years), and I yearned for the comfort and trusted my last relationship brought me. Though we developed sexual intimacy, neither of our emotional needs were being met. We did, however, carry on a sexual relationship that went on for some time after that.”
So, the conclusion we could draw from this story is that if you are hoping for a sexual connection to finally transform itself into a committed relationship, you should stop! Different research proves that relationships which are based on sex without emotional intimacy present usually stay at this physical level. You will waste your time hoping and working to get someone to change. While you could be spending your efforts into finding someone who is serious and ready to commit to you.
5. You still don’t know who you are and what you are looking for.
If you call your life “ such a mess” or you are asking yourself things like ‘Am I worthy for a serious relationship?’ then you might be having some personal issues. And you need to resolve them before starting a relationship. Otherwise, you’ll either attract a person that suffers from the savior complex or you’ll find someone who has the same problems. Don’t do this. First, try to become aware of who you are and what you need in life. If you’re not a whole person, then you might not be capable of maintaining a healthy bond with another man or woman. And you might also be running the risk of getting stuck in a dysfunctional relationship. And this is not what love is about. So to find the right partner and relationship you need to be OK with yourself in the first place.
Finally, one thing I could say is that we’ve all been there.
We’ve all wondered if we are ready for a serious relationship and commitment.
Nobody could answer this question instead of you.
Still, do you think you are experiencing one of the five red flags stated above? If yes, then maybe it’s not quite right for you to be romantically involved with another person at the moment. Or the partner you have chosen might not be the one you need.
How far do you agree? Please, share your opinions.