If you are a demisexual, then you experience relationships and sexual connections in a different way than others.
According to Wired, the term “demisexual” first appeared on the internet on a forum for asexual education back in 2006. Since then, it has slowly gained popularity with use. Although the term is fairly new, the condition of being demisexual has actually been around for quite some time.
Dr. Jenni Skyler, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist and board-certified sexologist, says that demisexuals see relationships as “a friendship that catches fire.” “I would say a lot of women in particular operate this way,” Skyler continued.
So what exactly does it mean to be a demisexual?
The common definition of a demisexual is: a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form an emotional connection. Basically, it means that a person will not feel an attraction to someone until they become friends, make each other laugh, compare emotional notes. Where a lot of people can see someone and tell instantly if they find them attractive, a demisexual usually has a “meh” response. It’s all in the EQ.
Below are 7 common traits of a demisexual. If you can relate to more than a few of these, you may be one.
1. You don’t flirt.
Also, you don’t really know how to flirt. When you are being kind or generous, that is just who you are, you’re not doing it because you want someone to like you. You may laugh at their jokes and hold eye contact, but that is a sign that friendship and emotional connections are being made.
2. You enjoy stimulation conversations.
Even if they are about the most random, silliest thing, a conversation that is enthralling is one that gives you a natural high. It’s such a treat for you to be able to find someone who you can chat with on just about any topic. The truth is, it’s a major turn on.
3. You are drawn to authentic personalities, not looks.
Some people are attracted to certain body types, heights, and eye colour. Then there are demisexuals, who are attracted to people who are free to be themselves. Showing emotions is something that they are instantly drawn to, as well as intelligent conversations.
4. You are often accused of “friend-zoning.”
AVEN says, “Demisexuality may make forming romantic or sexual relationships more difficult for some people. Demisexuals often make first impressions of being ‘just friends’, which may make those they are interested in value the relationship less.”
It’s never bad to be friends first, but others might not share that point of view.
5. You do not understand one night stands.
How can anyone have a physical connection to someone without first making contact with their mind and their heart? To you, that makes absolutely no sense.
Holly Richmond, Ph.D., says that demisexuals can and do enjoy sex but only with people they’ve formed an emotional attraction to beforehand. Most people have a physical primary attraction to another person- similar to how our ancestors once did. But for you, “simply, the primary attraction is the emotional,” says Richmond.
6. Sleeping with someone means sleeping.
When you say you want to sleep with someone, what you mean is exactly that. You want to feel them next to you, find comfort in their warmth, and fall asleep next to them. This is important to you, as it shows you are comfortable enough with them to let your guard down. And the fact they do the same means the world to you.
7. You are one who wants commitment.
Some people shy away from commitment, but not you. It takes you a long time to build up an emotional connection strong enough to where you admit, “yes I like this person.” You have both worked towards something beautiful so of course you are willing to continue to do so.
Not everyone will relate to this, and some people might find that having new words for things makes life more complicated. However, having a word to finally explain what you have been feeling this whole time, and why you could never put it into words, is helpful for many people.
If you do relate to this, then you are probably a demisexual, and anyone can be one.
The AVEN forum has plenty of information on the topic, if you would like to find out more.