When a relationship becomes unbalanced with one person taking control of all emotional and mental aspects, it’s time for something to change.
There is nothing that can throw a relationship out of balance like selfish behaviour. We all have the potential to be selfish at some point in our lives, usually when we desire something from time to time. On the other hand if this occurs continuously, then it is probably time to take note of it and make a decision. To ensure harmony in our love relationships, there needs to be an equal amount of effort from both ends.
Dr. Sirni Pillay, author of Debunking Myths of the Mind, wrote, “Selfish lovers often suffer from feeling inadequate. Their feelings of inadequacy run so deep that they end up feeling very ashamed. To cover up this shame, they are internally “still” and this “stillness” drives the giver in the relationship to want to keep on giving as a form of resuscitation since the taker often feels dead. When the taker then gives up just a little, this feels so relieving to the giver – it is like a glimpse of a sign of life. But unfortunately for the giver, this does not last too long.” Does that sound familiar to you?
Eventually, we must ask ourselves a tough question: ‘Is this self-love and security controlling this relationship or just pure selfishness?’
Here are 4 signs that you might be in a selfish relationship:
1. Your partner is constantly nagging and discrediting you.
There’s a clear difference between someone who pushes you forward to achieve your goals, and someone who nags and belittles your dreams, making you feel worthless. Selfish people seldom consider the needs of others because they are too busy considering their own. If you find that the amount that you give in a relationship is disproportionate to the amount you get out of it, this indicates an unbalanced and selfish relationship.
“Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection – or compassionate action.” writes psychologist Daniel Goleman. author of Emotional Intelligence.
It is clear that a one-sided relationship cannot prosper.
2. Your partner put their own needs far above that of anybody else.
Selfish people do not take the needs of others into consideration, even those of their loved ones. They have always gotten what they wanted, and expect to be first in line when it comes to just about anything. It’s akin to entitlement.
However, there is a difference between having self-love, and being selfish. Self-love is knowing that you deserve respect and equal treatment in the relationship. If you don’t stand up for what you want or what you believe in, then your partner won’t feel the need to do so either. Selfish behaviour that is ever-present can be emotionally draining and absolutely toxic. The repercussions of this mean that you will find yourself putting yourself last in almost every situation. By that time, any remaining shards of respect that are left in the relationship get swept out the door.
3. Competition and insecurity are quite common in their behaviour.
It’s healthy to have a bit of competition in any relationship- just not to the extent that it goes beyond fun, and carries into jealousy. If you find your partner continuously has to be better, smarter, stronger, or faster than you, they have insecurity issues. Usually this stems from jealousy.
What could they be jealous of? Literally anything. Maybe it’s the way you can fall asleep so quickly, or how you aren’t bothered by certain things. Either way, if you have a partner who is jealous of you and who can’t let go of their insecurities, try to reassure them and console their worries. But if the level is simply too toxic to deal with, then leave. Jealousy does not equate to love.
Robert A. Heinlein writes in Stranger in a Strange Land, “Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy – in fact, they are almost incompatible; one emotion hardly leaves room for the other.”
4. You never hear an apology from your partner.
This one should be an immediate deal-breaker. If the person you love does’t have the capacity to say sorry when they have done/said something offensive or hurtful, they may suffer from a narcissistic personality disorder. Moral values that seem normal to you don’t exist in the realm of the narcissist, because they don’t feel remorse or resentment. Narcissists believe that the world revolves around them and that nobody is important enough to make them acknowledge their mistakes.
If you recognize these 4 signs of an unbalanced and selfish relationship in your life, then it’s time to take a step back and reevaluate a few things.
Does this person make you love yourself, or dislike yourself? Do you feel heartache or pain when you’re with them? Or do you only feel true joy when they finally acknowledge you and your feelings? There are 7 BILLION people on this planet…surely there is someone who will respect you and love you the way all of us deserve to be loved.
This may sound a bit preachy, but my advice to each and every one of you is this: Never Settle.
By Raven Fon