I recently had a conversation with a dear friend who sincerely wished to fully devote himself to his woman, but was struggling with the challenge of doing so in a world ripe with so much opportunity for connection. This guy was not a bad person, indeed he is one of the kindest people I know, but his ongoing struggle was real and had been a pattern in his relationships for many years.
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Devoted long term monogamous relationships are quite simply the accepted as the norm in this western society, it’s what creates families and order and keeps them together, it’s something that is aspired to and takes hard work to maintain. However it’s not an easy ask for many people.
Some of you may be wondering how a “devoted” man would struggle with such a thing? Well it is possible, and believe it or not devotion and temptation are not mutually exclusive things.
Indeed there are so many good men out there who truly wish to go deeper with the women they have committed to, but find their efforts consistently thwarted by the incredible power of desire and animal attraction.
In this situation I don’t define cheating as just the physical act of sex with someone other than the partner a man has committed to. I define it as any thought, feeling, or behavior that is contradictory to a man’s devotion to his partner, all of this can be defined as a form of emotional betrayal.
Surely there is no harm in looking as long as you don’t physically get involved right?
In reality there is nothing wrong with fantasising, as such, everyone does it occasionally, but if it is an ongoing issue it is something that will forever keep good men away from the experience they most desire…which is real love and intimacy in a wholesome relationship with the women they are truly in love with.
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Unlike most women very few men experience their sexuality flowing through their hearts, and this is precisely why even some of the most loving men cheat on their women. I think a lot of this can be blamed on societal upbringing, conditioning and expectations rather than a man’s inherent capability to connect with their hearts, they simply don’t know how to.
Quite simply the overwhelming power of their sexual desire causes them to lust after this woman or that woman, and no matter how hard they try to control this powerful urge, they fail. So until a man’s sexuality is brought into alignment with his heart, he will prefer the excitement of “new” women and “juicy” connections over the woman he loves, when it comes to fulfilling his sexual desire.
Many of the men never actually sleep with a woman other than the one they are committed to, but still avidly, and secretly, check other women out from time to time. They may engage in innocent “connections” with other women, getting high on the “love” between them, and denying any wrongdoing if it was ever brought up. These women are just “friends,” after all.
For many men (and some women) choosing one partner, fully, day in and day out, is no joke. But regardless of how devoted he is to his partner, if he is still fantasising about other women then he has got some deep inner work to do to create union within himself. Through this wholesome devoted relationship he can reconfigure his sexuality so that it is moving though his heart and not wasting his creative energy by lusting after other women.
Women have a major role in doing something to help and support their men in this process. Rather than judging him, punishing him, berating him, or making him feel guilty for being drawn to other women, create a safe space for him to share when he’s feeling drawn, and to explore why it’s happening and listen to him with open ears and an open heart.
A man can’t make it through this incredible challenge without his woman’s support, in fact it’s only through the women that they can really start to overcome this and learn about union through the heart. A woman who is constantly scolding her man for being drawn to other women is shooting herself in the foot and will inevitably drive him away.
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The next time the man is tempted to betray his devoted relationship, with this form of open communication they can choose to lean a bit further into their female partners instead for support. Yes, it will be difficult, but since when has devotion to anything been easy? With every devotional choice we make, men will want to move closer to their women, to themselves, and to the lives we all really want.
I know it’s not going to be easy for the women folk, and it’s not pleasant to read any of this, but now that it’s out in the open, women can choose to celebrate their men for their admirable commitments and progress in the face of enormous challenge, rather than holding them up to an unreal standard.
Men and women are in this together, and if we are to shift this dynamic into something more pure and more loving moving forward, it’s going to require that both sides show up fully. It’s going to require that both sides make peace with the beast, so that they can work together toward something better.
All we need do is look this monster square in the eye, together, and we can make our way into something new, together. A place where we can all finally enjoy the intimacy we most long for, made possible through our wholehearted devotion to the ones we love most.
Do you or your partner experience extra relationship crushes? How does it affect you? Share your stories with us below…